These last two weeks have been challenging for me. I’ve had a bunch of stuff to get done at work that had some small, but critical pieces outside of my hands. At the same time, the technology / service stack I’m using is in heavy flux (like, major pieces are slated to land in the next week or two from this writing). Additionally, I have other responsibilities that tend to flop between idle and urgent.
In the first week, I failed to manage the external bits to a place where they could be used by me. Additionally, some of my other responsibilities came up, and I spent a little more time on some voluntary tasks than maybe I should’ve. This meant that most of the last two weeks worth of work was still pending by the time this week started.
This would have been mostly OK except other team members had stuff they were going to do based on my stuff, and so I ended up being an external-bit-that-ain’t-set for them, as well. That really bothers me.
I think I need to get more mentally flexible. The pattern I seem to be in is: I come up with a plan and when pieces of it aren’t available I just wait. Sometimes that’s OK, and is even the right choice, but for the most part I need to just step back, think “OK, what’s the nearest approximation I can accomplish now”, do that bit, and re-visit when things are more opportune.
This is hard for me. Part of it is that I have to do things that are below my quality standards, or don’t meet the actual target. I am a bit more of a perfectionist than I should be, I guess.
But the other part is that I have a mental map of what I’m going to do based on what was planned, and when pieces aren’t there I don’t know how to proceed. Typing this out, I think what I need to do is “sort by externalities” – that is, I need to take the parts that depend on NotMe and push them to the end of my plan, or list in advance what I’m going to do if the externalities don’t materialize.
I also had one of my all-too-frequent gaps in my psychopharm meds at the beginning of the month, which (when combined with some of this pressure) lead to strong feelings of anxiety and … well, it’s hard to describe, but I’d call it the emotional component of what people are talking about when they say they feel worthless.
I don’t, in fact, think I’m worthless, and I know I don’t have much to feel anxious about. I’ve been around the bend with these meds enough that this is basically like ‘engine knocking’ – it’s a symptom of not being settled into a dosage pattern.
I was also alone for most of this period, as my sweetie has gone off to teach art in the hills somewhere, which made it harder for those emotional loops to terminate.
All in all, I don’t think I want to have this experience again; I need to put more effort into giving ritual obeisance to the DEA’s petty rules.
Anyway, that’s the life update for the nonce. More content-ish stuff soon, I assure you.